Trauma, Growth and Resilience

With the gracious permission of my patient, I am sharing this message of hope, which I received from a her after a pivotal therapy session. This message made me feel warm to my marrow, suffused with an overwhelming awe and respect for her courage and resilience. This person had their trust severely betrayed on account of being victimised horrendously by the upper echelons of a certain organisation, which has left this person very deeply traumatised. With therapy, she has experienced certain transition points in their recovery, which was catalysed by our collaborative meaning-making and validation of their emotions with the aid of shared, co-constructed metaphors.

We talked about three main metaphors: the shedding of skin (and hence the filth of the persecutors on their person), the relinquishment of 'character armour' which was necessary at the time, and how anxiety can feel amplified beyond its relevance akin to shadows of objects can appear far larger than the objects themselves.

The patient described each below in an unexpected email to me; the paddle board moment was entirely their realisation and I had nothing to do with it! It is worth noting that the patient could not leave their home for a long time let alone engage in such a fantastic, vitality enhancing activity. Well worth a read, in order to infuse hope and to see the evolution of strength and resilience. Without further ado, here are her direct words:

"....What follows are key moments when I felt a shift in my own transformation.

The first time I felt a change occur was when I understood that every cell in my body has been replaced. I know I have mentioned this many times to you but that was a truly remarkable moment for me as I finally let go of the grief and that weird shame attached that I had been holding onto for so many years after my sexual assault. This transformation and shift allowed me to begin to love my body again. I started to have gratitude towards my body and thanked by body for the birth of my two children. I began to love my very core again and I let go of all negative thoughts about the sexual assault. I understood on a much deeper level that it is his shame, not mine. There really are no words to describe how powerful that moment was for me. As soon as I understood that no cell of that monster has been on me for years and years and my body had erased all traces of him, I felt a shift in my consciousness and the healing began.

The second time I felt a deep level of transformation was on my paddle board. The sun was setting into the ocean, I had just watched a dolphin swim near me, the water was like glass and was reflecting the clouds and light, I could hear my beautiful children playing in the water and laughing, there were sea birds flying above me and I looked at my feet and with all of my heart I was grateful that I was injured. I thanked myself and my feet for being able to withstand such terrible treatment and I had gratitude for the strength of my body to walk for 13 kms with the balls of my feet, heals of my feet, pads on my toes and the skin on the top of my toes missing, broken and bleeding. I was grateful because that injury was instrumental in settling with the (organization) as it was evidence of my abuse. I was grateful that I had strength to endure such treatment.

The third time I felt another level of transformation was after a month of visualising taking off the character armour you described, thanking the armour for protecting me for so long and telling the armour that it is now too heavy for me and I no longer need it. I like to call this part 'Marie Kondo-ing' myself as I am so grateful for the way my body has protected me, but it is time to let go the heaviness of the armour which has been manifesting in sadness and grief. I thank the armour but I am setting it free.

Finally, the daily thought I focus on often is how my anxiety is just a mouse in front of a light and if I forget this, it can look much worse than it is. If I take a step back and be present with my thoughts of the mouse, I try to remember that it is just a mouse that is trying to look bigger than it is through its shadow. In saying that, I still have anxiety every morning and it can creep in throughout the day but I am working hard on this every day. Some days are incredibly diffiuclt for me and others I can see that it is just a mouse in front of the light.

I am trying to be kind to myself as I have had years of grief and sadness stuck in my subconscious and so I recognise that it is still going to take time to control the anxiety beast that I have now named.

Thank you again for everything you have done for me to get me to this point Dr Toh, I will always remember and have gratitude for the role you are playing in my life to get me back on my feet. "

The picture below is that of a Golden Wattle growing out of a seemingly impossible rocky surface at Black Hill, taken by myself 2 years ago. Poignant, I think.